Posted by: Dave
I still haven't seen enough of a change since my last posting so once again I have to confront the pressing concern of the lack of manliness in contemporary art. In this particular installment, I will be addressing the depiction of women in paintings. I know a lot of people think women always have to look feminine, but as far as my ignorance is concerned, "feminine" is still a kind of metal on the periodic table. I was doing a lot of research recently on Wikipedia and stumbled upon some amazing statistics. Did you know that women can do more than lie around naked in bed all day wearing sheer negligee and fawn over themselves in a mirror? I found out that woman can actually become doctors, soldiers, lawyers, vikings, and even astronauts. Shocking, I know. This post looks at women doing (wo)manly things in painting.
I will use the scale above to rate the following works out of 10. Just so you can get an idea of how the scale works, let's use Bouguereau's paintings as the gauge for wussy and Charles Bronson as the gauge for manliness. Something like beef jerky would be somewhere around a 7 and scrap-booking would be around a 2.
Harold Piffard's "Joan of Arc" proves to us some woman can fight by doing more than just pulling hair and scratching. Try gouging out eyes with thumbs and disemboweling with a halberd. According to Spike's "Deadliest Warrior", Joan of Arc would have even been able to defeat the Duke of Normandy on a one on one battle, and as we all know, Spike is never wrong. Rating 10
If Ilya Repin's Tsarevna Sophia Alexeevna walked into a Bouguereau painting, she would kick the crap out of some prissy peasant, steal her giant ceramic jug, fill it with whiskey, chug it, then smash it on a rock. She has the best "piss me off and I'll break you" expression I have ever seen. Visible outside of the window, the viewer can she has had her opposition hung to death. They probably recommended she wear a sheer outfit. Rating 10
Ok, I know what you are all saying, "but Dave, she is half-naked, weren't you just complaining about that, wah?" Wrong. Woman are allowed to be depicted half-naked in paintings as long as their back looks like a bag of potatoes, and she is in a fight to the death with a demon. Enough said. Leave it up to Frank Frazetta to save art again. Rating 10